Redirection

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Hi! How are you, guys?? Hahaha. Udah mulai sembuh nih udah si paling nanya kabar. Biasa gue paling gak peduli ama kabar orang karena kabar diri gue sendiri aja tidak baik-baik saja, cuma belakangan pertanyaan itu jadi bukan sekedar basa-basi tapi bener-bener pengen tau. I think I've healed enough, I now have space in me to care a little bit about others. 

Belakangan ini lagi mikir soal karir kan, kayak, pengen lari, pengen ngejar, tapi gatau apa yang mau dikejar. They said if God wants you to move on, He'll make you feel uncomfortable in your current state. He did alright, I feel uncomfortable enough in some part of my life right now. Paling berasa itu soal gorden di rumah, setelah mental block yang sangat kuat sekali soal ke-emoh-an gue untuk manggil-manggil tukang lagi ke rumah, sekarang rasa tidak nyamannya pindah dari tidak nyaman ada orang asing di rumah menjadi tidak nyaman tidak ada gorden di rumah, tapi masih ada rasa mager yang sangat untuk manggil orang gordennya ke rumah, padahal udah ada nomor rekomendasiannya. Ahahahaha. Can't blame my self for putting me in an andless loop of uncomfortableness.

Yang kedua, rasa yang mulai tidak nyaman itu chasing validation of doing makeup for famous people. I'd say yes to do makeup for a chance of doing famous person's makeup even if it's an unpaid or small fees gig. I was stuck in old mindset of if you want to be acknowledged as a true makeup artist then you have to do makeup for celebrities or public figures. But it has shifted, I'd love to do makeup for anyone, I feel ready enough, knowledgeable enough to do makeup for any face. Celebrities is comparably easier because they have managed their expectation of what makeup can done to themselves, and they usually already have great bone structure to begin with.

The irrational fears of uncertainty is not fearing anymore. I've finally settled my self with all the unexpected things that comes with the job. The traffic to the location, the insufficient and unpredictable space for me to do makeup, the tailor made requests, the reading of clients wants & needs and their expectations. I feel like I have most of the knowledge and my hands are able to create what I want. Makeup photoshoot, commercial, events, itu hal yang nyaman karena mudah. Tidak diperlukan ketelitian dan kerapihan yang sangat untuk mengerjakannya. 

Mengutip dari google's AI:

A brain in a long-term, chronic "fight or flight" mode cannot concentrate because it has been rewired to prioritize survival over high-level cognitive tasks. Under constant stress, the brain shifts resources away from the prefrontal cortex—the area responsible for focus, planning, and rational thought—and hyper-activates the amygdala, the brain's fear center. 

This state, often resulting in "brain fog," occurs due to several key neurological and hormonal factors: 

• Prefrontal Cortex Shutdown: High levels of chronic cortisol and norepinephrine suppress activity in the prefrontal cortex. This area is responsible for executive functions, including sustained attention, decision-making, and working memory. When this region is compromised, the ability to focus on complex or mundane tasks diminishes.
• Amygdala Hyperactivity: The amygdala becomes hyperactive, constantly scanning for threats. In chronic stress, the brain acts as if it is in constant, immediate danger, prioritizing reflexive, emotional responses over logical thinking.
• Hippocampus Damage (Memory Loss): Chronic stress can actually shrink the hippocampus, which is essential for memory formation and learning. This makes it harder to retain new information or concentrate on learning tasks.
• "Survival" Distraction: The brain perceives modern stresses (e.g., deadlines, financial anxiety) similarly to a physical threat, causing it to direct energy toward physical survival (heart rate, muscle tension) rather than mental focus.
• Brain Fog and Fatigue: Persistent high cortisol and adrenaline levels can lead to mental exhaustion, "brain fog," and difficulty recalling information, making sustained attention difficult. 

In summary, the brain in chronic fight-or-flight mode is not "broken," but rather is working very hard on the wrong thing—constantly searching for danger instead of focusing on the present task.

Kurang lebih itu sih yang gue rasain kayaknya hampir seumur hidup yah. Baru setelah nikah aja jadi bisa lebih "matiin" rasa itu. Bisa ada dalam kondisi bener-bener rest tanpa otak berisik dengan ketakutan. Baru bisa menyerap dan mengolah informasi baru dengan baik, gak ngerasa bego terus karena susah banget untuk mengerti hal baru. You know at a lot of times in my life I thought I have special needs karena kok ngerasa otak gue harusnya mampu melakukan lebih tapi gak bisa. Ternyata emang karena terlalu lelah ada di mode fight or flight yang terlalu lama sampe otak gue habis tenaganya untuk dipakai berpikir dengan benar. Too long in that position sampe nulis gini aja gue ada ketakuan akan dibilang, "halah, cuma gitu doang". But I feel what I feel, I don't care if anyone else said it's nothing. 

Well, anyhoo, gue merasa sekarang gue lebih mudah untuk menyerap informasi baru jadi kayak perkembangan gue jadi lebih pesat gitu skill-wise sehingga ilmu-ilmu yang dulunya gue rasa sulit banget untuk gue mengerti, sekarang jadi lebih mudah. Bisa lebih detail dalam mempelajari dan mengaplikasikan sesuatu gak cuma sebatas impresinya aja.